It really bothers me that my boyfriend’s ass is softer than mine. It really shouldn’t. But it does. Not only softer, but smoother, as well.

…

Ok, there were more important things that happened in my day.

But I just happened to be thinking about this. So I don’t go out and strangle the morons who thought they’d take a gander to the other side of the street just as I was driving by, frantically trying to keep my vehicle mobile (yes, more travails of the non-stick-driver).

The universe conspired to make driving difficult today. More than difficult: almost impossible. But I prevailed again! (I mean, how much can it really hurt to kill the motor, like, a few times. A minute. ?) I got home safe – that’s the important thing, right? RIGHT?

Some factors that impeded my normally impeccable driving prowess:

• The little rubber thingy that’s missing from the motor of the Clio (meaning that I had to borrow someone else’s car to drive the five endless kilometers into Geneva, causing me to discover that not only is stick difficult to learn, but every goddamn one is different! Why are they so damn sensitive and peculiar and picky? They’re like…well, me. But I don’t endanger the lives of hapless drivers when I get in a funk! …well, not most of the time.)

• The traffic lights that are placed in weird places, so that when you roll up to a perfect stop at the crosswalk they’re about five feet behind you and ten feet below where they should be. Dammit, they should do it the right way! (Like we do it in America!)

• The orbit of the planet. Hey god, are you listening? It’s hard to drive when it’s dark.

• Goddamn mo-fo-ing bicyclers who toodle along at a snail’s pace taking up far more than their share of the road (aka, the sidewalk, thank you very much), causing me to DOWNSHIFT. Inconsiderate wretches.

• People that are looking for parking spots, going all slow, and then stopping abruptly and jamming into reverse – like hello, I haven’t learned reverse yet. (Just kidding PJ. I would never borrow your car if I didn’t know how to drive it!! ...)

• The incredible disappearing Swiss traffic signs. Man, you think the Swiss are all precise and sh*t? Wait til you try to drive from Plainpalais to Archamps and then tell me if you still think that’s true. I have two (TWO!) problems with Swiss traffic signs. My first problem is that they’re incredibly unreliable, seeming to appear and disappear at will, in different colors and at different heights and (Problem No. Two) pointing in unfathomable directions. NOTE TO SWISS TRAFFIC OFFICIALS: If I am trying to go from point A to point B, and point B is straight ahead of point A, but I don’t know that point B is straight ahead of point A, having a traffic sign pointing to point B that is completely parallel to the road I am on will make it invisible until I’ve already passed it. Right? They also do this other reverse Mona Lisa trick where you think it’s pointing one way so you get into the turn lane but once you’ve changed your viewing angle you see that it’s actually pointed the other way (at which point you’re screwed if you don’t know how to reverse. …I said if!)

Anyway, thank goodness for roundabouts, huh? What would I do without endless opportunities to confront the same decisions? My life could use more roundabouts, now that I think about it.

Also in the mix today: addlebrain titling an article in the upcoming issue (which will have the blessing of an, I dare say, charming travel piece written by yours truly) “Wet Weekend Dreams.”

Now, addlebrain is from Oz, so I ask him:

“Hey, ad, is it possible that ‘wet dreams’ doesn’t have the same meaning as it has in the States?”

No, no, he assures me. Same meaning.

“Well, do you perhaps, er, uh, consider it a bit, er, uh, inappropriate to use that title?”

This title is for an article about museums, mind you. Perhaps you’re wondering what museums have to do with water? Or dreams? So was I. I read the article: nothing.

“Oh yeh, yeh. I’ll get to it,” addlebrain promises me. (Not a typo! ‘yeh’ is my perceptive rendering of his Australian accent.)

Then the Scottish/Irish? girl suggested we just title it “Wet Weekend Wank.” HA. HA. I love working there.

And I have no doubt he’ll get to it. Just like he’ll get to fixing the misspelling of my name in my Only Published Clip in the Entire World. I have faith in you, ad!

By the way, I worked FIVE WHOLE HOURS today. Man, am I beat.