The best birth control in the world: listening to women talk about giving birth.

Seriously. Have you ever done it? I have (listened, that is). I just about passed TF out. It makes you want to go out and grab some guy’s nuts and squeeze them really, really hard every minute for fifteen hours, just to even things out. Not that I think it’s a cosmic injustice that we have to have the kids or anything.

It’s kind of weird, but lately I’ve really been wanting to be pregnant. Maybe it’s all the Mormons living on our hall. Or maybe it’s the grey hairs sprouting out of my scalp, announcing to the world that I, at 24, am officially middle-aged.

I mean, it’s not like I really want to have kids (especially after hearing about the epidural), but I seem to be catching myself thinking frighteningly often: gee, that would be nice.

And then devil-child runs down the hall with a fork and asks me if I need him to kill anyone for me, and I return to sanity. But my kids won’t be like that, right? They’ll be adorable and thoughtful little bookworms, just like me! (But hopefully their precociousness won’t lead them to date 27-year-olds when they’re still in high school.)

Well, maybe I think this because to me being pregnant is a socially sanctioned excuse for eating a lot and sleeping all the time.

Fortunately, not being pregnant hasn’t stopped me. From talking with officially the Cutest Pregnant Lady on the Planet tonight, my life is pretty much like hers. She goes to bed at two and gets up at noon. Check. She eats snacks all day. Check. And she takes three-hour naps during the afternoon. Check. …Now if only I can get all the women on the hall to cook me dinner and do my dishes…

By the way, V-Dog would be about to freak out if he heard me say this. The other day he said to me: “I really like that you’re not all domestic and maternally inclined like all the other women around here.” Which is great, because I love being awkward around children too. Lately kids have been taking a liking to me though, strangely enough. Devil-child invites me on all his ventures of death and destruction.

It just kind of pisses me off that my mom had me so late. I feel all pressured to have kids asap—if I wait any longer, she won’t be around to take care of my kids!

On another note, you know what really, really sucks? Browsers that automatically offer you all the most recent places you’ve visited as you’re typing in www.pa... when you’re looking for your friend’s blog www.paralyzzed.blogspot.com but you just happen to notice in the list of visited websites www.pantywash.com and you just happen to wonder what that site is all about and you find that it’s a photo gallery of Amateur cum guzzlers at Cum Fiesta! “OVER TWO HUNDRED GIRLS TOOK OUR JIZZ TORPEDOS ON THEIR SWEET FACES” and you wonder who could have possibly BORROWED your boyfriend’s computer to view such icky pornographic ickiness (not to sound like an overprotective mommy!) because he certainly couldn’t be interested in viewing such icky pornographic ickiness and it’s not like it bothers you because it shouldn’t bother you right? boys will be boys and all that, except it does, really bother you perhaps because suddenly your boyfriend feels like a bit of a stranger, because surely only a stranger would look at strange girls’ body parts, and even though he has told you that any boy who says he doesn’t look at porn is lying you refuse to believe him. Until now. Well, it’s not like he lied about it. I just refused to believe him.

Hhhhhhhhh. Why are boys so gross???