You know what I’ve realized in reading the hate mail written to a xenophobic, anti-immigration, alarmist nut?

People could sure use more punctuation.

Commas – they’re a good thing. Don’t be afraid of them!

I know it can be difficult when they’re unfamiliar. They look strange; they have unfamiliar shapes, and frequent unfamiliar locales. You’re not sure what to do with them, or whether their intentions are good. You know that they are an important part of the world around you, and yet you are afraid to welcome them into your life. Well folks, it’s too late to blame ignorance. Pick up a grammar book.

Or just go trotting down to Tombstone, Ariz. to patrol the U.S. border this Friday with about a thousand other vigilantes who will be on the lookout for illegal immigrants from Mexico.

In the name of terrorism.

Will every sinister freak on the planet continue to invoke the spectre of terrorism until the word is bled of any tie to people who actually are terrorists?

Did you know that according to the U.S. government, earthquakes are terrorists (or, perhaps, “terrists”)? It was news to me too. According to Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff General Richard Myers, who spoke yesterday at Thunderbird International Business School, terrorists are people who cause fear and cause other people to act in an irrational fashion. Which means most of the drivers in Arizona are terrorists, too.

Although I should probably mention, in the name of journalistic integrity, that I wasn’t actually there when he said it. I’m not a student, ok? But it was faithfully and factually and I’m sure flawlessly reported to me by my fellow left-leaning Amiable Roommie.

But seriously, is it just me, or are there a lot of really freakin’ scary people out there?

See, this is what happens the moment I come back to this ghetto state. What happened to all the great foofy topics I thought of in California?

Like:

Only in Corona Del Mar, Calif. do you wonder, “Am I dressed ok?” when you walk into Starbucks.

And then think, “Definitely not.”

I’ve decided that the best thing about Arizona is that it makes you appreciate California. All the things I used to bemoan now seem like charming quirks! The shallow and materialistic culture? The overabundance of gleaming Mercedes? The fact that everyone looks fabulous and I feel like Dowdy Woman? Charming, charming, charming...

Ah, I feel better already. Just thinking about California is cleansing! It’s so nice to be in a place where people are too wealthy to worry about anything important.

Uh, for a little while.