Do this! It'll tell you where you are in the political spectrum! Weren't you dying to know? Weren't you?

It's crazy how they can identify me so precisely with only twenty questions:

Most (62%) identify themselves as liberal. Predominantly white (83%), most highly educated group (49% have a college degree or more), and youngest group after Bystanders. Least religious group in typology: 43% report they seldom or never attend religious services; nearly a quarter (22%) are seculars. More than one-third never married (36%). Largest group residing in urban areas (42%) and in the western half the country (34%). Wealthiest Democratic group (41% earn at least $75,000).

Damn, aside from the income, it's dead on.

Identify as liberal? Check. White? Rather pasty actually. Educated? Ivy League, baby. Young? You better believe it. Religious? Listening to religious radio once as I was driving home is about the extent. Secular? Pretty much. Married? Nope. Plans? Nope. Will boyfriend ever settle down? Nope. ... Urban? Eugh. I suppose PHX could be considered urban. As in sprawl. Western? Soon to be coastal, baby! Wealthy? Ha. Ha. Yeah right. They missed the boat on that one: We liberals come from well-to-do backgrounds, so we feel empowered to follow our passion, which usually doesn't pay sh*t. But maybe we come to our senses and go into consulting eventually and I just haven't gotten there yet.

Seriously though. There is nothing I like less than being part of an identifiable group. It's like someone is saying, HEY YOU, YOU'RE NOT UNIQUE! AT ALL! THERE ARE A HUNDRED THOUSAND OTHER PEOPLE JUST LIKE YOU WHO PROBABLY OBSSESS OVER THEIR BANGS AND DRIVE COROLLAS AND EAT A TUB OF MERENGUES FROM TRADERS JOES EVERY THREE DAYS TOO! GET OVER YOURSELF!

I hate feeling un-unique.

In fact, that is why I am anti-PHX. I just put my finger on it today! The problem with Phoenix is that it is general. And I want specifics. PHX would be perfect for me if what I liked best in the world was shopping, eating at Applebee's, spending the weekend at the pool and going out to clubs that think they can charge New York prices. See, that's general. Every goddamn town in America has a mall, an Applebee's, a pool and a hipper-than-thou bar. But, see, I'm UNIQUE. It actually matters to me what part of the globe I'm located on because I ascribe to the quaint notion that different places should be different.

Unfortunately, I seem to be in the minority. But while there still is some identifiable Southern Californian culture left, I'd like to cling to it, thank you very much. I like surf style, a bit of funky artsiness, a dash of intellectual culture, a hint of environmentalism, and an ethic of thinness. Ok, finding intellectual culture in California might be pushing it. But compared to Arizona, the state is a population of geniuses.

You see, California has a definable feel to it: It is what it is. It doesn't play off what it is. It just is that. The only culture in Arizona, on the other hand, is fake Southwestern bullshit that has been manufactured by decorators so they can have a decor theme for the golf course club house. Seriously! Any authentic culture in Arizona has surely gone extinct. Or it's too repugnant to embrace. I mean, I suppose it does maintain a certain "Old West" ethic. There are shootings every day. Tumbleweeds blow through downtown. Its borders are guarded by vigilantes. They're passing a law to permit concealed weapons in public places. People are afraid of outsiders. And they brazenly take the law into their own hands when they step behind the wheel... If there's one thing Arizona has taught me, it's that life is an uncertain gift and you should value every moment of it. You really come to appreciate it when you know you might be accidentally run over by a souped-up F350 on your way to work. (Yes, F350 has become part of my vocabulary. What, you're not conversant in monstrously-oversized-truck-ese?) But as I was saying, a culture of gun racks and Wal-Mart is not my kinda culture.

See, I need to be in a place where I fit in better! Where I share values with my fellow citizens! Where everyone is like me! Where I am like everyone els--

Wait a second.