No, I don’t mind that my roommate gets falling down drunk. Every night. And then drives home.

…

What, do you want me to do an intervention or something? He’s like 35! I’m just a pipsqueak compared to him. He’s an adult. He can make his own choices!

…

I mean, seriously, what would you do? Maybe he doesn’t even have a problem. Maybe I’m being judgmental! Maybe some systems can function normally with half a bottle of Jack every night. I mean, it’s not like he was staggering. That badly. When he walked out to his car.

Oh my.

Anyway, he’s convinced that nobody’s going to pull over a 35-year-old white guy driving a Land Rover, so he feels pretty comfortable with it. I’m like, yeah, but what about the people on the road who aren’t cops?

Sigh.

Well, besides Alcoholic Roomie, there’s Amiable Roomie. I like Amiable Roomie. He’s like a big teddy bear. Or a puppy dog! You know, one of those people who are almost always in a good mood. Usually those people annoy the hell out of me. I want to snatch their perennial good humor, crumple it up in a ball, and step on it. But not with Amiable Roomie. Amiable Roomie is like a tape you listen to at night that plays the sound of crickets or the ocean or something. You know, calming. I even think I may be learning some of his tricks of not getting ticked off at everything.

Everything being getting up to go pee first thing in the morning and finding that there’s no toilet paper because once again your boyfriend has thoughtlessly used all but the tuft sticking to the cardboard and failed to replaced the roll. And then trying to walk over to the sink, and seeing that somehow all the laundry has gotten up out of the hamper and strewn itself all over the bathroom floor. Mysteriously. And then going to wash your hands and seeing that three days later, the shirt that you doused in flour, wiped clean, sprayed with pre-laundry cleaner, and left to soak in hot water to get rid of the stains is still sitting in the sink. Surely you can see the injustice and wanton insensitivity of these grave offenses!

Or the fact that, recently, the owner of that favored shirt (now completely free of stains [the shirt, not the boy, regrettably]) said today:

“Gee, it’ll suck if we have to be long distance and you have to come visit me in California.”

Ohhh. I get it. I follow you halfway around the world, and then when I want to stay somewhere, you leave.

Fine. Good riddance.

Just get an apartment near a good break and keep my surfboard there. OK?

…

Now, I’m not paranoid because every publication I’ve worked for has gone defunct, but I think my mag has some cash-flow issues. What really gave it away is that the free office e-mail system requires you to keep an ad visible at all times. And if you cover it up (by mistake, of course), it says:

Hmmmmmmmm. We notice that you seem to have mistakenly covered up our advertisement. Please place it in a visible spot on your screen, and you will be able to send and receive mail again. We sincerely hope that you are not intentionally covering up our advertisement, because we here at Crappy-Ass Free Software are currently hard at work developing new, free CRAPPY-ASS SOFTWARE to improve your blah, blah blah.

Yes, it was the fact that my e-mail guilt-trips me that clued me in.

What was even worse was that today I lost the ad! I was just trying to move it, just a little bit, kind of scooch it over to the corner, and all of a sudden I scooched it so far it was gone and I couldn’t send or receive e-mail for like half an hour until the publisher of our magazine came over and fixed it, meantime noting that I had sent a non-work e-mail!!!

Rest assured, I will f*ck with that add no more. Fucking crappy-ass free software.

But, I forgot to tell you the best part about living with Amiable Roomie and Alcoholic Roomie! They’re both boys! Which means that I’m will constantly feel dainty and polite and nice! Unless they bring home any nasty ho’s. Then it’s on.

Oh yeah, here’s another reason why I like Amiable:

BF: “Don’t you think R. look like a hot mamacita today?”

Amiable Roomie: “I think she looks beautiful every day.”

See why I like him? You know, amiability. My boyfriend could stand to be a little more amiable. Although, I think Amiable may have nice-guy problems. He’s the kind of guy you want to raise your kids. But not the kind of guy you want to date.

Unless you’re a nasty ho.

Got it?

Ok then! Let’s play house.