It never fails but you do the wash and you somehow manage to squirt tuna-juice on a freshly laundered sweatshirt.

Or, freshly-laundered, as my editor would say. I know, I know. I couldn’t believe she was hyphenating an adverb ending in -ly either! I just couldn’t think of a polite way of saying “Yo bitch, you’re WRONG.” I mean, it would be mean to say that to a pregnant lady, right? As always, I was the epitome of perceptiveness and tact when I mentioned that maybe things had changed since 1996, when they bought their AP Stylebook. What do I know? I just have the 2004 version. Hmph.

Anyway, I’m sure I secured her devotion by talking about how awful labor is when she took me out to lunch.

…

Can you believe I said that?

Yeah, I really do have a way with words. And time zones. I got to work an hour early to prepare for my 10 o’clock interview—my Very First Interview—oh! There’s a message. Who could have called me so early in the morning? Message from 8:10 am says: “Hi, this is Barry. It’s 10:10 right now and I was just wondering if we were still on for that interview. Call me back.” ?F!U(%$)@#? He didn’t tell me he was in that part of Canada!!

But I hear you learn much more from your mistakes than from your successes. See how much I’m learning? Choice excerpt from interview No. 2:

’Wee No. 2: Ok, let’s start going over that list.

Me: [Frantically trying to figure out what list he could possibly be talking about] Ok, um, yeah…what list was that?

’Wee: The list that…I’m sorry, what did you call me for?

Me: I…er…uh, I was going to ask you some questions about how to create buzz on the tradeshow floor? [Don’t ask.]

’Wee: Right. Well, I prepared for the call by making a list of a few things I thought you would be interested in.

Me: Oh! [40-watt bulb flickers over my head] Well, I, thank you—you were so prepared that…I was unprepared by your preparedness.

Not that I have the recollection of this mortifying conversation burned indelibly into my cerebral cortex.

SEE HOW MUCH I’M LEARNING?

I have absolutely no doubt that I will very soon be an incredibly competent and well-spoken editor, capable of dealing with unexpected situations with exceptional grace, wit, and eloquence. No doubt. None whatsoever. At all. Nope. None.

Just so long as I don’t have to talk to anyone who’s so prepared that I’m unprepared by their preparedness.