I'm sad that Alanis isn't cool anymore.

Once upon a time, I loved Alanis. I thought she was really something. Her songs had such raw emotional edge and lyrical complexity. I was 15. They empowered me to hate men for wrongs I could only fantasize about suffering, and it felt good. If anyone had staying power, it was her. She wasn't just some flimsy starlet taking trying to complement her B movie career - she had a voice, and she could use it.

That was 10 years ago. And what has she done since then? Nothing. And now she's capping off 10 years of nothing by re-releasing Jagged Little Pill (Acoustic!).

There are several factors that make this pathetic.

One: in a show about the rerelease on VH1, Alanis recounts how when she first started talking to her friends about redoing the album, they said, "Alanis, I think anybody who wants that album already has it."

Point well taken. Oh wait, it wasn't taken. Hello! That was a good point!

Two: Just read an article about how Sony BMG had to pay $10 million for bribing radio stations to play its music. Then I turned on the TV and saw this, a show about Alanis' rerelease of Lil Pill. Now if there's anything less newsworthy, I can't think what it is. This smacks of "payola." (The music industry - the only industry in which "payola" is legitimate technical jargon!) And the fact that they had to buy her time on VH1 to talk about rereleasing an album (which premiered in Starbucks, no less!) that came out 10 years ago - lame.

Three: I've come to the conclusion that whatever they did to her songs in the studio back in the day was a good thing. She said (in the completely unidentified infomercial!) that she writes things "prophetically" so she was actually writing about things she hadn't experienced yet, so now when she sings them, there's a lot more depth. If she meant that she now takes longer to sing each individual word, then I suppose that would be correct. But that doesn't make it any better. Some things just shouldn't be fucked with. Did Dostoevky rerelease Crime and Punishment? Did Shakespeare release "Romeo and Juliet"? Did Gwyneth change dresses when people said it made her look flat? NO! The original version just worked! There was no reason to mess with it! Now it's like Alanis wants to recapture any possible acclaim the original song missed by adding five new syllables to each word. And as we all know, the word 'ironic' can only handle so many syllables. "One Hand in my Pocket" has been slowed to the pace of a funeral dirge. And on some of the tracks, she sounds downright whiney.

Additionally - correct me if I'm wrong - but didn't she used to, like, rock? I mean, didn't she swing the microphone around or gyrate or flip her hair or something? Because in addition to the soporific pacing of the lyrics, the acoustic version features the high-speed, edge-of-your-seat-action of Alanis sitting there. Come on, can you at least bust out the harmonica?

*

Alanis, I don't hate you. Far from it. I think you were a cluster of granola in the big bowl of Fruit Loops that is pop music today. You gave us texture, intrigue, and a satisfying crunch. You gave us hope. And then you followed it up with NOTHING. And that is your greatest sin. I could forgive you if your music fell from popular taste - that would probably signal increasing complexity and artistic development. But Alanis, your lyrics don't even make sense anymore. "How 'bout stopping eating when I'm full up / How 'bout them transparent dangling carrots / How 'bout that ever elusive kudo / Thank you India." How 'bout writing lyrics that actually mean something? That's why we liked you in the first place.

And I'm sad, because once upon a time there was an edgy rocker chick who -

wait a second. I just remembered: she looks like me! People always tell me that! Is this some kind of sub-concious fear that my own moment has come and gone? Do I need to rip someone else to shreds in order to compensate for my own insecurity?

Nah.

....

Anyway, as I was saying, Alanis, please be cool again, so I can subconsciously resurrect my feelings of self-worth and inner potential.

After the Alanis dissapointment, there was only one thing to do: download a Lindsay Lohan song. As I suspected, she sucked. It was especially disappointing, because I remember seeing on "Driven: Lindsay Lohan" that studio execs at Gloria Estefan's label really thought she had something special that wasn't out there yet, and then mentioned how she couldn't get any record deals. At the time I thought, that sucks. I wonder what that special quality is! Isn't it unfair that they can't see her talent? Poor Lindsay! After listening to her single "Over" I can see why that was the case. She really can't sing. What was that special quality? The incapacity for vibrato? The overpowering unremarkableness of her voice?

Which reminds me. In the LA Times this weekend, an anonymous studio exec said that Britney Spears was "over." Why? "She can't sing." THANK YOU. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU. Now will the rest of the world please realize that? Jessica, you're next.

Ok, now I sound like a b*tch.

Writing is kinda fun cuz it's like you get to be the judge of a popularity contest.

At least when you regularly write articles 800 words over the limit. When the assignment is for an 800-word article.

But see? It's kinda fun! Of you 1,600 words, only 800 will make the cut! Only 800 of you will have the subtle grace, pizzazz and charisma to out-compete fully half of the words written here today! I am the Ryan Seacrest, Paula Abdul and Simon Cowell of wordsmithery, all rolled into one!! I should start some sort of tribal council.

But that would be pathetic and lame. And I never do pathetic and lame things. Like keep a blank piece of paper as a bookmark so I can write down words I don't know, in the original sentence, so I can look them up later.

Ok fine, I do. But otherwise how would I continue to dazzle you with my verbal prowess? And one of these days, thanks to all my hard work and dedication, I'm going to be able to bust out 'turophile.' That's right. Turophile. I can't wait. I don't know when or where or how, but nothing beats the supreme satisfaction of using a word that is so arcane that 99 percent of people have no f*cking clue what it means. If you have the patience, the situation will arise. Why, just recently I was able to place 'eponymous.' And while it may be slightly more common than I would like, I still get a little thrill thinking that people will read an article I wrote that contains the word 'eponymous.' Hopefully some of them won't know what it is. Others will have a vague idea. All will appreciate my literary genius and indisputable destiny for stardom.

I also used the word puerile in an article once. Now that was a good one.

I wish I could say that it's all about pushing myself to improve my mastery of the English language, to understand its nuances and forgotten archaisms in order to be able to describe the world with ever greater precision. But it's not all about that. Part of it is about being acknowledged, too. It's about somebody reading my article, writing it down on a piece of scratch paper kept just for that purpose, and then looking it up, and waiting for just the right moment to use it.

Yeah, right. Like anybody else does that. I'll settle for them just wishing I didn't use such overblown words.

But mostly it's about finding the perfect context for turophile. I can't wait to put it in some ironic description, a profile maybe, or even a food-related piece. Who knows when it will come in handy?! Reading, for me, is like rummaging through a dusty attic of oddly shaped items of indeterminate utility that you know are going to be just the right tool for the job, one of these days.

And because reading about my attitude towards words probably bores the living sh*t out of you, I'm going to leave you with a quote about writing that is far wiser than any I could dream up:

"People always ask me, 'When are you gonna write another movie?' Well, shit, as soon as I quit being lazy. 'Cause if I have time off, I don't spend my time writing. It's not like you're taking a vacation if you sit down and write a screenplay. People always say 'In your downtime, why don't you write a screenplay?' Well, then, it wouldn't be downtime, would it?"

Amen, Billy Bob.